A Freshman Depression
From Todaycollegetour
My therapist at home recommend I talk to someone in person. The phone sessions I have been having for the past two weeks are helping but she thinks I need more. The Anxiety attacks I had been having subsided a bit although I still feel like I do not have control of my thoughts. It feels like my brain wants to be in a sad state all of the time. I’ve dealt with depression before but its deeper then that. It’s a real feeling that is pulling my brain, body, and soul down. I feel like it’s almost agonizing to wake up in the morning and get my day started. I don’t want to put a smile on my face because I really do not have much to be happy about. I tell myself I got control of this, whatever this is will pass (pause). I have never thought of taking my life before and I know that wasn’t what I was going to do, but I would be fine with lying in bed all-day and crying. Crying about what? (Pause) well anything really. Crying because I am homesick, crying because I do not like it here. Crying because I intimidate people because I am a lot different from them, Crying because I feel like I should not be here and frankly I do not want to be. Crying because I cannot go through what I went through last semester it would be too much. My fist glimpse at college involved a devious roommate a switch, sexual assault case, failing grades, flaky “friends”, and judgment from others because I am not religious. On top of it all a long distance relationship seventeen hours away with a black boy… Let me tell you EVERYBODY here has an opinion about that one. It is 2009 black guys and white girls date GET OVER IT!! (Very annoyed.) I guess where I am from has influenced me to be who I am, although I do blame that for some of these things. Chicago has gotten me in trouble out here, Who would have guessed? (Saying with a smile) I am a city girl all the way. I love everything about that city….I MISS IT ( pause, near tears)
This semester HAS to be better. I am scared; no I am paranoid that all that stuff will creep back into my life. First semester at college and it was a rough one (Longer pause) Do I think I am depressed? Well yeah I think that is obvious by just looking at me. I do not get enough sleep at night, three four hours a night sometimes more if I am lucky. I love sleep I mean I love sleeping its so comforting but even that comfort has been taken away from me. (Long pause)
Anti-depression pills…Yeah my therapist back home mentioned that to me to. (Becoming upset) After four years of seeing her on and off not once has she ever mentioned medication before, and I’ve never been on anything ever. I am not opposed to it but I don’t want to be the girl who needs meds to feel better. I would like to think I am capable of handling my own feelings. I have dealt with so much over the past four years without the help of medication, I am not sure I want to rely that. That is a big step I am not sure I want to go there yet. I have pain in my heart no doubt. Medication though, I am only 19! It is almost embarrassing to think about. (Now has an attitude) Maybe I will try it but I do not want that to change who I am. I do not want this shit to change me into a hype ass cheerleader who loves everything and who talks about rainbows and puppy dogs and shit like that. If that’s the case I’ll pass on that I’m good. (Feeling discouraged)
I want to feel better I know I do. I want the old me back, that spark is gone. I walk around campus and I just feel sad. It is scary to admit to depression and actually say it out loud. I want to handle it on my own but if a little pill will help me become me again…fine, where is the harm in trying. I never imagined a school like this breaking me.
