Ability to feel and truly love
From Todaycollegetour
There are two things I think about. You and sleep; you consume my thoughts during the majority of the hours I am conscious. I wake up in the morning and my mind is filled with you. As I eat breakfast; you, as I take as shower, you, as towel dry my hair; you, as I slip into my clothes; you. By this time I have become so mentally exhausted from unsuccessfully trying and trying and trying to keep your image from creeping into my mind’s eye that I have to sleep. I have to take a nap in order to let my brain rest; for when I sleep it is peaceful. This sort of thing continues throughout the day, your picture is in my head, your scent is on my nose, your voice is in my ears, and your touch…your touch is all over me. I do not usually have time for multiple naps per day, so I have to let myself become so overwhelmed, to the point of being unable to function almost – and then I crash. I sleep for long enough to recuperate, and long enough to be able to fully function afterwards until it is night time – time for eight whole hours of peace.
This is what you have done to me. This is who I have become. How pathetic am I? All along, I knew this was going to happen, I knew that I was becoming much too emotionally attached, I knew that I was way more in that you were – because I was, I was in with my whole heart. I needed you, and I needed you to need me. I wanted you, and I wanted you to want me. I loved you and I love the way you loved me.
You seem to have found what you need, want and love in someone else. And I am happy for you. Not because you deserve it, or anything like that, but because I like seeing a smile on your face. Your smile makes me smile – even if it’s a sad one (because they have those you know; sad smiles). Actually, I don’t even know if I would call it a “sad” smile, just one of those that, although it’s genuine, and comes from within, are so painful to express. It actually hurts. I think that’s the thing about a hurting heart, the pain just flows out of your heart and through your whole body. It breaks my heart to smile for you, but I want to. I want to because the wave of hurt that envelopes my body lets me know that it was real. It was real for me, and I am grateful for that. I am grateful because I know that I have the capacity to love truly, and to love deeply.
You gave me the ability to feel – to feel sincerely, and profoundly – and for that I will be forever thankful.
