Athlete Anxiety

From Todaycollegetour

 I don’t know why I came here. I don’t really think I need this. I mean, talking to counselors is something for people who have mental problems, isnt it? Who dont know how to handle their problems? Im sorry, I dont mean anything bad by that. Anyways..Well I guess I am doing this because my coach asked, and I cant imagine it will hurt, so I will. I need to make a decision.

So I have been playing sports all my life. I have done it all; volleyball, soccer, track, basketball, and lacrosse. I always loved what I did. That was my lifestyle, and it pretty much labeled me. Still today, when people ask what I do, I say I play lacrosse. When it came to graduate high school, I had blown my chance to play collegiate volleyball when I blew out my knee; however, I still had the ability to continue my career in lacrosse. I didn’t care where I went. I didn’t have a dream school. So, I let my athletics point me in the right direction. That’s how I ended up here. I came to Regis.. to play lacrosse.

But now.. I don’t think I want to play anymore. This is why my coach sent me here.  She is trying to get me to change my mind and stay.  I wish she would have shown this much interest earlier.  but basically, the sport has grown to be so challenging with the work load demanded from our new coach, and the academic work isnt helping. I have no social life. I am technically a freshman in college, but I don’t know what its like to act like one. My knees are falling apart, and I feel like I spend just as much time in practice or games as I do in the training room or icing down my legs. The fun is gone, and I just want to know what its like to have time… to relax, have spring break, go out and party… I am so anxious.  The pressure of going to practice and being the best is a lot to hold in.  In the past, I have always been the one to make a difference and bust my ass.  I have raised myself to be the strongest one and be a good example to my family.  Because of that, I push myself beyound my limits to impress others.  I try so hard, and I am exhausted from it. I need a break, but I dont know how to let myself settle with giving up.

Even though I want a change, I cant imagine losing my title, my teammates, or respect. If I quit, then what am i. I am a quitter. I am weak. Even being here talking right now, I feel like a loser, like I am not strong enough to handle this decision. I have raised myself to be stronger than this. Maybe that is what is so hard about continuing lacrosse here.  I dont think my coach sees my effort.  I am the best, and she sometimes treats me like the worst.  I deserve a lot more respect for the work I do.  Despite my extra work outs outside of practice, all she sees is what she calls "my lack of heart". I dont know if that is her way of getting me to try harder but its not working.  tough love is not the game I play but she obviously doesnt know how to do anything else.

If I dont stay for my coach, I should for my teammates.  They are my biggest support.  And, i mean, they have just been voted captain.. as a freshman! That doesn’t happen. They are relying on me. But I don’t know what good I will be if my natural drive for the sport is gone, I kind of feel like the coach ruined whatever I had left. 

Worst of all... I don’t want to be a nobody. Playing lacrosse is my identity, and without it, I am typical and normal and unnoticed. I don’t think I have anything else to offer.  I am a lacrosse player.  I will always be one. But if i stop, no one will know that about me except myself.  And if I tell them about it, then all they will hear is that I quit.. I gave up.. what good is that?

I dont want to continue to play and dread going to practice everyday, but I dont want to quit and regret that feeling of accomlpishment.  I want to rest my body and not turn into an old lady at the age of 20, but I dont want to quit and become out of shape and unhealthy.  I want to quit and have more time to fun like normal college students, but I want to stay because it makes me someone special and not typical.  Do you see my problem here.. I feel like I am completely split apart.  I dont know what means more to me.  Respect or enjoyment.. even then, both choices offers those things in different situations. 

Im lost.  I have never had to think about my life before and make these kind of decision. Being anthlete has always directed me.  I just played sports and continued from sport to sport and season to season.  I guess I never realized there was more to out there than that.

What should I do? I have been going back and forth with this all summer. Should I play next season or call it quits now before I get in too deep? I am so anxious about this decision. What if I make the wrong choice and regret it? What will other people think of me if I quit? Or my family? Will my team hate me and not do as well next year? Who will I be if I cant call myself an athlete?  I guess this is the point where I start admitting I need help.