Dear X
From Todaycollegetour
It's the most important thing that I’ve hoped to create in my life. And, I think it is in sight with this new girl. She's awakened the possibility of it to me again, finally.
I will consider my life to have been a success if the person who I love most came to know without question that when I looked at her I saw the beauty that she is, regardless of how she might appear in any particular moment. I want that she doesn't ever feel self-conscious around me – about anything, ever. And I want that if she happen to have a secret that she hides, that she would know that if I knew her secret I would see her no differently from the way I see her already. And, of course, I also want that same thing for myself – that I never feel judged when I look into her eyes, but instead that through her eyes I feel how deeply she sees me.
As it happens, we are off to a good start, I think. When I met her - it was in a park actually, randomly, anyway, I felt something behind her smile - a kind of kindness, I think. I experienced something alive that I could relate to in an unusually clear way. I think I saw someone who wants, well everyone wants it I think - but someone who is brave and patient enough to aspire toward some of the same things that I want. Since that day I’ve continued to see her in a way that I don’t always see people. And I’ve felt her look at me, in moments as though she actually sees me too. The way of living in love with someone that I am talking about must require such vulnerability.... and some real, rooted.... awareness maybe, of ones own essential beauty. My wish for us is that we each arrive at that place. And that when we do, we find each other there and remain there, together.
I can't tell her all this now, right? It's too early, right? I mean, its one of those ideals that could throw a new thing off with unneeded pressures of idealistic hopes or expectations. And while the ideal to me is to be able to be the person I described for each other, I'm sure that striving for and missing that ideal in any moment, or day, is also a successful part of the journey toward it. Still, I hope I do tell her someday, because, I imagine that knowing and sharing what you want in life must be an important step in arriving to it, right?
