Dream About A father's Funeral and Not Being Able to Change
From Todaycollegetour
I know we’ve been at this for a while now. I can’t understand why I can’t seem to make choices in my life…I even thought about enlisting, I actually went down there, met the enlistment guy - total asshole…probably a good thing though, I’ve got enough shit relationships to deal with. Probably don’t need to be making any new commitments. (Pause) Yeah, I said it, I know they are shit relationships. I know that they are shit because, either I get shit on in them or I don’t open up - they are on the surface, you know? Lonely relationships. That’s what I have in my life – lonely relationships. I’m unknown, drifting through life - my girlfriend doesn’t even know me. I haven’t felt known for years now. Long Pause - I have this recurring dream of a funeral. Everyone’s dressed in black, everything, the whole thing – it’s paralyzing. I look in the casket and who is laying there? (Pause) My father…grayish. I’m scarred to death. (Long Pause)I’ve never known life without him. The truth is, I don’t even know if I know him. I mean, I don’t know him. I know what he has done with his time, his life – how he’s treated me, I guess. But I don’t really know what he thinks about life. I mean – do people ever wonder how their dad dealt with his lowest times? I mean in his head, how’d he deal? What did he think? What did he think of me? (Long Pause)It feels like I have time to mend other relationships, or to start new, sort out my life somehow - but like I’m running out of time with my dad. The thing is, I keep projecting into the future - what if he dies? I mean I know he is going to die. We’re all gonna die, right? I know he loves me – it’s not that truly sad deal where a guy doesn’t know if is dad loves him. It’s just that well, the obvious, I’ve never known life without him in it. (Pause) And, well, the void he’ll leave – that sounds so goddamn selfish. What am I trying to say? (grabs hold of edge of table tensely - long pause) - I want to be like him, you know? And I don’t even know why. I still can’t make a damn decision without him on my damn shoulder…”what’s he going to think?” That kinda thing constantly. Sad. I’m really not that like him. I do want his approval, sad as it is, and the only way I know how to get that is by being like him, but, I can’t do that. I’m not him. A bind. I wish I could just talk to him. (Pause) I’m sure he wishes the same thing. It feels like its too late even though he’s still around – too late because that’s not how we’ve been for, forever. Too late, because, (long pause) I’m not brave enough to change it. That’s the truth, isn’t it?
