Eternal Love Professed

From Todaycollegetour

I know that what I'm going to describe would feel like a lifetime ago to her. It was a lifetime ago. But for me it has been everyday also. My heart was so deeply torn when she left that I never could put it back together. I prided myself on not letting her know that largely because the behavior of letting her know my feelings too persistently had apparently been part of the problem that she had with me. And if I could not have her, my foremost goal was to have her respect. So, as years passed I presented myself to her less and less, as she had been clear that we would not be together again. However, my love for her has been of the same character ever since that time. I can’t believe that is the case actually. It sounds sad and painful. And it often has been. And it often is.

I don’t even know what I could ask of her at this point because it is not as though the answer to some question is going to move me past my love for her. But, I feel like I really would like to know the answer to a question. I would like to know if she loved me as much as I loved her – back when we were together. I have never questioned that the answer to that would be anything but yes, until just recently it dawned on me that the answer may not be yes.

I didn’t have the idea that she might not have loved me as I loved her anywhere in my paradigm back then. The possibility that she could leave me like she did simply did not enter my mind for such a long time. Even hints of it, in the form of difficulty in our relationship, which I can now look back and see existed, I assumed were just bumps in the road. The moment I realized that the possibility of her leaving existed was the same moment she broke our trust in a literal way – with another guy, I mean. I remember getting a feeling so intense in my stomach; a pain so unpleasant that I knew she had broken our trust. I was hundreds of miles away at the time, but my body felt the pain immediately. Until that moment, she had loved me so well that I never questioned a thing.

I would never trade those years we spent together. But, I do wish that I had met her when I was a grown man instead; and that the stars would have aligned for us to get to know each other as adults. I do believe that I could have made her very happy. I can see that she is ecstatically happy without me. I think her husband is a wonderful guy, a better choice than I probably, from what I can see. But what I am saying is that I do believe I would have made her happy. I just was not that man yet when we were together.

I want her to know that I have grown to live quite happily without her love directly in my life. I have moved on some. The problem is that I can’t really compare any other love to the feelings that I have for her. So, I’ve needed to look for something of a different flavor, and learn to love that flavor. While what I really want is her…still.

Some days, only once in a while now, I have a dream that she is in. Only a couple times in all these years has she kissed me in my dream. And for that moment, she was back with me, in my arms. Those moments were the best that I have had since she left. Again, yes, it’s sad. But the truth is that I don’t think better moments than those exist. Those moments are amazing. And the other truth is that loving her has made me into an incredible person.

So, you can now see, maybe more clearly, that this persistency of mine, this need for her, comes from some place far deeper. I loved her so much that I couldn’t say goodbye - from the moment I met her. And then I loved her so much that I did say goodbye. My life work is nothing more than a love letter to her. I have sublimated exquisitely as they say. Because of my life, I understand an awful lot about others and about myself. And I am proud of my life. But, I still don’t know how anyone gets over being in love like I am with her.