Everything happens for a reason right?
From Todaycollegetour
[[Category:RegisCollege]]
Everything happens for a reason right? I don’t know exactly where to begin with this. No one really knows. I am so tired all the time. I go through my days smiling, but there’s never any true happiness behind my smiles. I hate faking that I am ok. I hate not being true. But I don’t know what else to do. I don’t know exactly how to deal with how I am feeling. It all kind of just blends together. I know what I am trying to say, but I just can’t seem to say it. (PAUSE) This doesn’t leave this room correct? Ok, well, I don’t deal with things in the best of ways. I guess you could say I am what they call a cutter. I don’t know how or why I started really, but one day I didn’t know what to do anymore. I couldn’t feel anything. I was numb. I new, the blood was running and I felt better. I felt like I could finally breathe again. I felt didn’t know what else to do. The knife, it was just laying there and the next thing I k almost happy, even if it was just for that one brief moment. I believe it is what they call a temporary high. But I really don’t care what it is called, all I know is that it helps me feel better; it helps me feel something at least. It is something that I have complete and total control over in what seems like a chaotic world that I am drowning in. More than anything though, it takes away the numbness and allows me to just breathe; something that I have long forgotten to do. (PAUSE) I guess while I am talking about this, I might as well tell you something else as well, something I am sure you wouldn’t even guess. You know how I was just talking about having control over the chaos? Well, I control something else too. I control something that seems to control everything… my eating… I guess I am someone that you would call anorexic. Controlling my eating is something that no one can see, it is something that allows me to either gain a few pounds or loose a few. I don’t know if I have told you this, but I am very body conscious. To me, I am the ugly duckling surround by a world of girls that are a thousand times prettier than me. I have to be in tip-top shape, I have to have a flat stomach, no pudge. If I don’t look a certain way, I will make myself look that way. I don’t think that I am pretty and don’t try to tell me otherwise because I won’t believe you. Controlling my eating is a way to make sure that I am happy with myself, with my body. I see how skinny everyone around me is, how pretty they all are, and I see the way that guys all look at them, and I guess you could say that I am jealous. I want to be skinny, to be pretty, and to be wanted. And by controlling my eating, I can control all of those other things. In a way, I guess it’s like the cutting allows me to breathe and controlling my eating allows me to be happy in my skin. It’s an odd combination don’t you think? But if it works, it works right? Happiness is key to life and if everything does happen for a reason, then there is no wrong here right? It’s justified. I am happy and I am breathing, there for I am living.
