Girl that is smiling all the time but is really sad
From Todaycollegetour
You know why I laugh all the time, why I’m always smiling? You’ve asked me, right? Well, I thought it over. Let’s just say….(gets somber) the alternative doesn’t look so good. I mean, I could be bummed out, pissed off. I could be pissed off…it has been hard…for most people they, they wouldn’t be laughing (Long pause) …He promised to always love me, and to never leave. My dad was a liar from the start. I wish I knew then, what I know now. Regret—such a strong emotion that continually holds on to you. I never liked the idea of regret; I always wanted to never regret anything in my life. However, when my dad left I felt a lot of it. Why didn’t I spend more time with him? Why did I take all the situations with him for granted? And the thing I regret most, looking back on everything, Why did I blame myself? So what, my dad left us, flicking us off as he walked out the door. Sure, it wasn’t the best part of my life. All I can really remember his hoping, as he walked out the door, that he would just turn around, even if it was just for me. How can someone do that? Just walk away after so many years?I don’t really like to talk about my life. At least not the bad parts anyway. I guess putting this mask of smile and laughter helps. A rush of emotions hit me, every time I see ‘Dad’ come up on the Caller ID. You know, sometimes I wonder if ‘Dad’ is still his name. The funny thing is, he picks up as if he never left. Acting as if nothing happened. But something did happen! He left for God sakes! I suppose he still wants a relationship with me—even after…..even after he left.. Well, the relationship is shit I guess, I mean just because…because we are just too far gone. But the thing I cannot understand is that he still wants a relationship. Why? How can someone just feel that way? What was I suppose to do? Pick up as if things hadn’t changed. If I really had any guts, I’d stand up for myself, I would stand up to him. I would call him out for what he has done—I would call him out on always coming home drunk, never wanting to play, always “at work,” and most of all walking out on his family—leaving us for “a better life.” I suppose all it takes is one, to try and mend the relationship. But what do you do when you run out of options? What do you do when you can no longer look at that person anymore and say that he hasn’t changed? That that man….that man…isn’t my father. That, that man is a stranger to me. I guess I just try to block it out, but eventually, yes eventually it always does come out. And that really sucks. I mean who wants to wallow in self-pity? Not me. So laughing is good. It works for me. I mean as they say, laughing is the best medicine.
