Identity: Biracial - Finding Myself in College – The Real Me, Not a Chia Pet
From Todaycollegetour
- Skate in mumbling curse words*
“What are you?” strangers, RANDOM PEOPLE, come up to me and ask me all the time. Sometimes I don’t even get the curtousy of the spoken question, but get molested instead. As if they will find out exactly what my background is by feeling my hair. *run hands through hair* “OhYeah, curly, soft, but definitely still nappy, She’s a little black, all right!” I had to slap a HUGE guy’s hand in Walmart just a few weeks ago. And when he asked me why I was such a bitch I responded that just because I look weird doesn’t mean that I’m a part of some freak show petting zoo. And when he still didn’t get it and reached for my head again I just ran away shouting for my friend to save me.
On the non-groping days, I’ll usually respond to that ridiculous question, in a sassy tone, “girl” or “student”, but when I’m feeling a little more catty “HORSE”! I guess after 20 years I should have some rehearsed response and maybe even a cute little wink or smile to go along with it, but I don’t. I barely even have a legitimate answer for myself let alone for some asshole on the street. Just because mom’s black and dad’s white doesn’t make my race so definitively clear.
I’ve gotten crazy looks when I’ve responded black as if I’m some liar. And even weirder reactions when I say white. And to my disgust, when I say black and white, people question bacl “like, both?” As if it’s impossible and we’re still living in the 1900’s. I just want to shout, “it’s 2009 people! Wake up and smell the integration!” But I don’t. It’d be too hard. I’d probably just make a scene and not even penetrate through their thick skulls anyways.
After a long conversation with my friends one day we decided that I should just say that I’m “grey”. It makes sense. Black and white make grey. But I think people are too stupid to get that. It’s too clever for them.
So, I guess I still have some thinking to do. What AM I? Shit, I really couldn’t tell you. I mean, I’m not stereotypically “black enough” to fit in with that crowd. And I don’t think I’m cracker enough to fit in with the white kids. And how many mixed kids are even on this campus? Not many. And I’m really not trying to support this UBER segregated school as it is.
I guess I really don’t fit in anywhere. I’m no girly girl. I can’t hang with all the beautiful, stylish pretty kids when I can barely match shirts with pants-not that I care about fashion anyways, but my lack of taste isn’t helping me get anywhere. I have my own style. Skaterish, cool, punk, rebel, bum. And yet, I still don’t fit in with the skaters, slackers, hippies, WHATEVER! Don’t get me wrong, I have friends. But they are all very different and I don’t really relate very much to a single one of them. I’m not good enough at expressing my feelings to be really cool with the emo ones. And I’m way to high strung for the chill kids. And I’m sporty, but am too much of the off the grid adventurer for the real athletes on campus.
It doesn’t surprise me that most of my friends are gay. I mean, look at me, you couldn’t tell if I was intentionally dressing like a boy, failing to dress like a girl, or just only own clothes purchased from a shitty thrift store if your life depended on it.
Sometimes I feel left out. Alone. Get depressed. And then I just end up sitting alone on the field with my dog or on the phone with my delinquent brother. Will I ever figure out who I really am? Or will I have to abandon my unique style and personality so that I can morph to some common, “normal” boring person. But I don’t want to be your average Jane! I like doing the things I do and dressing like I don’t give a shit! I just wish people could understand, give me a break, and lay off my back. I’m really not all THAT weird…
