My Gaurdian Angel: Loss of Mother
From Todaycollegetour
So at our last session, we talked about my anger and confusion over my mother’s untimely death. You suggested that I may be having a difficult time accepting reality because I never got the chance to express my feelings to her in her last hours. They have been pent up inside of me and for some reason I cant let them go- its almost as if I let them out it really means its over…[pause] Anyway, I decided that you may be right- letting my feelings out might help to ease my confusion. You asked that I come prepared with something- anything I would have liked to have said to my mother at her deathbed…so here it goes:
[tense with growing intensity] Look at you, so helpless and…lifeless just lying there. I don’t understand- how could this happen to you? How could you take a “turn for the worse”? I mean, you seemed just fine yesterday- you were talking and laughing and we were watching Days of Our Lives and now…oh my god, look at your eyes- so swollen--you can’t even open your eyes to see ME! To think yesterday all I wanted to do was get out of this freaking hospital so I could be with my friends and now, here I am wishing I wasn’t so selfish and wishing more than anything that I could turn back time. God- the pain you must be feeling, I can’t even begin to imagine.
[tone shift- calmer and more collected] The doctor said that even though you won’t be able to answer me- because of all the tubes, I can still talk to you. He said you would be able to hear me and you would probably like to hear a positive familiar voice so I figured I’d tell you how my day was: [takes breath] In creative writing, my teacher told me to see her after class, and at first I thought I was in some kind of trouble for not handing in an assignment or something but she told me that I had won an award for writing that story- you remember, the one about how you and dad ride on an ambulance and save peoples lives?- she said I won the award for having the most heart-felt, realistic tale of two real-life heroes- -[change of tone] Oh who am I kidding? How can I be positive knowing that most likely tomorrow night, you will be up in heaven?
Do you remember back when you first got sick how you would always tell me that if anything ever happened to you and you couldn’t physically be with me you’d be the little angel sitting on my shoulder? That you would guide me through life and that you would always be with me? Well I don’t want an angel yet! I don’t need one…what I need is a miracle- for you to get through this pothole in the road. You have to pull through this…you have to be strong just for a little longer- please, for me? Just tell me what I can do, tell me- I’ll do anything, I’ll let you sleep more, I won’t fight with dad, I’ll take Ruffy out for walks, I won’t put anymore stress on you, I won’t make you mad, please I’ll do anything to see you smile and open your eyes again.
[Angry tone] Come on- open your eyes! Don’t you want to see me graduate high school and start college? Don’t you want to meet your first grandchild and watch me walk down the aisle? Don’t you want stay here with me? Don’t you love me? I need you and even though this sounds selfish- I don’t care- I’m not done growing up yet! I don’t want to be the only kid in my class without a mommy--oh god this is so hard, I’m sorry [pause]…
Look, I didn’t come here today to get angry, but rather…to say goodbye. Even though this is the last thing I ever thought in my wildest nightmares I would have to do, I’ve come to the realization that your work here on earth may be near complete and it’s time for you to rest and be out of pain, and even though I don’t want to let you go, I think I’m going to have to- After all, God only takes the best right?
