Suicide Vignette 1
From Todaycollegetour
I read once life is nothing but a dream. I am beginning to think that person was right. Everything in life seems to be a dream—success—a good job, a good partner, a good life. Everything that I dreamt of as a child seems not to exist anymore. I guess I just suck at life. I mean, no matter how much I try to please everyone—I just seem to just fail. Grades are never good enough, even my career and future goals seem ridiculous. Why even try anymore? I feel so alone all the time. Am I the only one to feel this way?
And if life really is a dream, am I ever going to wake up? I’m continuously spinning around this circle or whatever the hell it is, that we now call “life,” or journey…I’m just sick of doing the same thing over and over again…and failing. Why am I even here, if all I do is fail? Maybe it would be better for everyone if one day I just didn’t wake up. Somehow, someway maybe the world would be a better place without me here. I mean all I do is fail anyway right? One less failure in the world would have to make things even a little better. (PAUSE)
This is confidential right? Well, I tried it once. Very easy. All I had to do was overdose—and I couldn’t even do that right. I couldn’t even kill myself right! So, now I’m stuck. I am stuck in this hole that I cannot seem to get out of. While everyone around me is happy-go-lucky, with “success” stamped on their forehead, I am aimlessly walking around trying to do ONE thing correctly. And when I fail, cause I always do, I think “Why the hell am I even doing this? What the hell am I thinking for continuously doing this? “
Why do I continuously live on this path to nothing?!
I know they say life isn’t always easy, but damn can’t I just get one break? Just one, to let me know, “Hey everything is going to be okay, at least you have one.” I know life is going to be hard, it is suppose to be hard—it is “life.” But in life, aren’t you suppose to have good moments? Aren’t you suppose to be happy every once in a while?
Well, I don’t have good moments, and I am never happy. Like I said I’m stuck. I am a stuck failure with nowhere to go.
And just so you know, I have no idea what the hell I am doing…
I mean, I want to be happy. I want success and love. But every time I try…I just can’t win. And I am not saying I should give up, but doesn’t there come a point in time when it just isn’t worth it anymore? Doesn’t there come a point in time when all the failures stack up against you, and you realize no matter what you do, life isn’t going to be what you wanted, what you hoped for for so long?
So, that’s the point I’m at. In a dark hole, wanting to escape, but no where to go.
You know, “Life is nothing but a dream,” but it is one dream I sure would like to wake the hell up from. To me, life isn’t a dream, it’s a fucking nightmare.
