The Night that Changed Everything

From Todaycollegetour

I can't believe I still feel this way four years later...

...four years later any my heart still races if we go around a turn too fast.  I slam on my invisible brake pedals with one hand on the roof, the other on the window, bracing myself for that turn four years ago...

...I was so cool then--the pinnacle of my life--16, with keys, wheels, and, for once, friends.  "I've driven on this road 80 mph before," I told my car-load in the din of the wipers and rain on the windshield.  And with that, I pressed hard on the gas.

Normally, I'd have driven slower--if I were by myself, but the cool kids don't drive slowly, so here we were watching the speedometer as it was climbing CLIMBING CLIMBING

There was a turn up ahead--I turned the wheel, but nothing happened...

and, BANG.  We hit the curb.

I remember opening my eyes and only seeing grass out of the windshield...

...and then the ambulances came.  They pulled Casey out of the window of the car as it was lying upside-down, smoking in someone's front yard.  Her parents were there, holding each other, crying--not knowing if they were going to lose their baby.  I didn't know as we watched them put the gurney in the back of the truck.

A mother jogged up to me and yelled, "Don't you EVER drive my daughter ANYWHERE AGAIN..."

"Shouldn't be an issue," I thought, "because the world didn't need me anymore."

I went to go visit her at the hospital.  Her parents were ther--looking painfully pale and worried.  It was inconceivable to think how they must have felt.  I couldn't look them in the eyes.  I mean, could you?  The nurse called me back for visitation.  I followed her and stood by the bed, but found myself completely unable to speak... because--she was just lying there.  I mean, I did that to her.  I have to live with that for the rest of my life.

I understand my accountability, but does this have to be such a plague--manifesting itself in every car ride, in my friendships wondering if I'm just going to hurt those people too, and even in my dreams?  What must I do?  How can I take my life back?

...

And I had thought I was so cool...now look...I'd almost killed my friend.